Cloud9000 – Special Contributors

ABC’s – Never lie, cheat or steal, always strike a fair deal.

How do you all do with this one? I have been told and we all laugh about it that I have no poker face and it is very apparent when I lie… I just can’t. And that fair thing… yeah, do that to a fault, for the other person.

I am finding during this journey to my next stage in life, that I should never lie, cheat or steal, and should ALWAYS strike a fair deal for ME. This is probably the toughest lesson I have had to do. And sums up most of my challenges in previous blogs. And yes, there are signs for the internal lies we tell ourselves as well.

My friends and family have questioned my “taste” in men over the past few relationships. I tell them they have a “quiet strength” that attracts me. Utilizing all those sporadic moments of good to tell a story of how great they are. (striking a fair deal for them). So, these people were blessed to have met me, but I was not so blessed to have chosen them. And, nor will I be able to fully trust myself undone with them.

I found that my truth was / is I wanted to be accepted my way and for the full of me. I looked for the disrespect (in all its forms) I perceived from my youth and lived it cause I was just sure that someone would see the beauty of me; outside of their own stuff. (hhhmmmm what had I been asking for? and looked was continued to be).

I found that the ones I wanted so much, really don’t like or respect women. HHHMM.. Now, considering that I am one, the result is as wonderful as I am, this main part will not be able to be changed.

So today with all of you, I choose to respect and love myself. To not tell “stories” or paint pretty pictures anymore. Reality is reality. And if I feel the need to scream that there is a problem, or have the need to tell someone good bye, that I am being truthful and that I am wanting a fair deal for me. And, if I don’t listen or act on it, then I am cheating myself from what I do want to come into my reality.

Listen to what your heart trying to tell you when you feel like coming undone. What is it you want? Not what you have or don’t have, but what you want. The take a positve step in that direction.

We all deserve to be the best US we can be. And we all deserve love, honesty, trust and RESPECT. But it has to start with how we listen, talk and act with ourselves.

Have a blessed day all! Love yourself fully.

Ignore those who try to discourage you.

Throughout the years I have heard and read this in many different ways. “Look out for and avoid the dream stealers.” “Only you know what is right for you.” “You are your own best support.”

It looks easy enough on paper and when those really confident people on stage or on PBS tell you to Ignore Them. But, as I wrote back in at the first of February about identifying your inner critic… sometimes those that would discourage you don’t always come in such a negative objective. They really from their hearts wish you well and would like you to take the “safe path”…. and may just have the same tone of voice that you now do.

I think this should read more like “Ignore discouraging advise or comments”. This would be better fitting for those that speak to us, as well as for our own internal voices. We can undo our desires faster than anyone around us. If we want to and talk to ourselves in the positive then we look outside ourselves for that same positive message. But, if we are speaking to ourselves in the negative and discouraging ourselves, then we will look for exactly that outside of ourselves.

Look for those mentors or supporters that do just that. Seek for those that are where you WANT to be, not where you DON’T WANT to be. And realize, it isn’t so easy to just “ignore” those that discourage you. But you can work to “ignore” the discouraging messages that they give you.

Mom didn’t mean to discourage your dreams when she told you a “safer route” to take. And who really wants to ignore their Mom? It is the toughest thing in the world to let someone you care about go out on a limb and take a chance when all you want to do is keep them safe. So out of the love they had, our original mentors may have innocently been our original discouragers.

So… again, I say, work on your own internal voice first. Then learn to ignore discouraging words or comments. Because, let’s be realistic here, if we ignored everyone that was discouraging, there wouldn’t be too many folks to talk with on a daily basis…. and who would you talk with at work? (meant in a most jovial voice).

Have a blessed day!!!

Give more than you planned to.

I know most all of us has heard of giving a tithing. Give a percentage of yourself, you wealth, every day. This doesn’t necessarily mean money. But, if you give generously, NOT BEGRUDGINGLY, then you invite generosity into your life.

I was told a lot when I was growing up that the though I gave and did for others, that I was selfish. That so didn’t make any sense to me. I gave and did because it felt good. I enjoyed doing it. And, when I really look back, I did receive a lot in return. Good fortune, good jobs, good doctors, my blessed kids. But, now that I am getting through this past few months, I now understand what the people were saying to me. Though, was from what “they” were doing or feeling at the time.

If you give for the full intent of gaining favor, then it is not generosity, it is greed. It is selfishness, not selflessness. Giving should feel good. It should feel full of energy. Not of things, not of time, not of effort. It is a sense of heart, of soul. Give because it feels good. Not for what you can get.

Also, give back when you are gifted from someone else. If given a compliment on an accomplishment, the way you look, a smile, then be generous enough to receive that gift and say “Thank you”. Smile back at the person. Giving is a two way street.

And, when you give, don’t let the “nay sayers” take that from you. There will be those around that think you are doing something just for what you can get or take from others. If that is not your intent, then don’t let their “driving sense” of themselves take your sense of well-being and graciousness.

Let me be the one to say, you are amazing. You are as beautiful and blessed!

Have a most generous day!!!

Family and Friends are hidden treasures, seek them and enjoy their riches.

This is oh so true, but, I believe we also have to remember that they are treasures in their own rights. Not in what we can turn them into or want them to be. We must appreciate them in the beauty that is their own.

My ex husband came for a visit this weekend. It was a little bit of an emotional tour. He had not been able to make it for a previous trip (that he had promised the kids), so I wasn’t really sure he would make this one. But, alas, he did.

I knew that the kids needed to see him. That the trip would be good for them. I didn’t anticipate how much I needed him to come.

The trip started with me getting really sick. My son wanting me to be there for every moment. My middle daughter wanted me to be out of the picture so she could have him to herself. And my youngest daughter, putting things together for herself. Things were the “same” but very different. Chance for perspectives to be put in the correct lighting. Not perceived, but how they are.

When we took him to the airport on Sunday, all seemed okay. The day was an adventure. But then my oldest daughter (4) realized dad was leaving. She ran, grabbed hold and started to cry. Worked all her gifts to get him to stay. I realized in a heart beat, that the child I struggle with, who I can’t quite connect with, was the one that is most definitely the most like me (emotionally). With a flash, I realized we are both very protective of our hearts. We love, we care, but we don’t always share how we feel. Except, for when goodbyes are afoot, and then we have no armor.

I took her from her dad, hugged her with all I had and we cried. We sat in the parking lot for a little while, holding each other. Then my youngest realized what was occurring and she started to cry as well. My son just took it in, and waited patiently. The girls and I just cried all the way home. When we got there, we started to get back into “Home” / normal.
My oldest daughter, finally determined, in the midst of all this, that she loved her dad. She told me she forgot, with all sorts of energy. When I asked what she had forgotten, she stated that she forgot to tell her dad that she loved him. And would forever. We promptly called and she left a message for him on his phone.

The gift of it all, was that we all have our own emotional responses to deal with. That we are all precious in our own rights, and just because you are mad that a situation didn’t turn out the way you pictured or wanted, it still had a lot of blessings. For me, I remembered the things I loved about my ex. That we really never had taken the time to become friends, though, in my minds eye, I had convinced myself that we had. And that we share these three amazing people. And, he is a dad that loves his children and they adore him.

We will be friends going forward. It will probably be a bit tricky at first as we know so much about one another, but I for one will work on not putting my old judgments on it, but see him for the beauty that is his. And, cry a little more for the loss of my first marriage, but continue to celebrate the gifts in brought us all.

And, since I learn so much from the study of others, continue to watch my amazing daughter. Help her to stay as open as she is now, and in turn, help myself to open up more and more. To dare to take the chance with heart again. To celebrate the light that we all have.

Here’s to all those amazing people that choose to come into our lives. To see the beauty and blessings each of them have. And most of all, dare to see and celebrate that which we have inside ourselves. Because ultimately, we are our own best friends, our most direct family member!

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Have a most wonderfully blessed day!

I haven’t been writing regularly as of late as I was dealing with a depressive state and did not feel too positive.

Though I would never advocate “staying” in that darker side where emotions get high, I do recommend you take some time to let it be. To let it run through part of its course. I choose to handle my depression without medication. I feel that though medication is a good support for a person, that if we learn how to manage it without supports (diet, emotional support, exercise, etc) that we can break the cycle for our little ones.

Depression runs (in different forms) on both sides of my family and from what I can ascertain, my ex-husband’s as well. So, I choose the hard road by right. I would rather have some tough moments in order to help understand what can and does work and then in turn, put those supports into my children’s lives.

Through this bout, that I am pulling out of…. I found that though I choose to see the bright side of things, forgive and see the positive…. I in turn was not allowing myself my own emotions. I would be angry, but turn the other cheek, be sad, and ignore it and do something positive. These are not bad things mind you and in the long run I would and will do the same… however, if you are angry, that anger needs to be expressed. If you are sad, you need time to cry. If you are happy, never apologies and always laugh, smile. The difference comes is on the “darker sides”…. express, just don’t hurt.

Once I allowed my emotions their time, asked for help from my niece (to stay with me while I went through this), reached out to a few friends and just sat for a few days…. clarity started to come. Though it will be an uphill climb for a little while, the benefit of sitting still for a minute helped tremendously.

Things I found out during my episode:

1) I miss my dad terribly. But what did I miss? I miss being able to talk to someone who had no judgment on me… who I could just be me with. His strength, conviction and stubbornness. (I have added these qualities to my list of what my next partner will have). And started spending less time with those that make me feel otherwise.

2) I found that though I cleaned house a few weeks back and deleted some numbers, called less frequent, that for a moment, it can get really lonely. But, if you don’t clean house from that which hurts you, you leave less room for those relationships that will help and be of benefit to you. As that came clear, some new friends (and some old) called me, cause they got a sense I needed a call and some support. WOW!!! What a turn around. You know…. maybe, if I stop doing it all… it would actually allow someone the time to help? Ha Ha Ha…. what a concept.

3) I determined that I still have a problem with my prosperity. And that you can only look at what YOU have and where YOU are. Though I have a lot of the things in my life that I asked for, I am still longing for something more. This doesn’t change. I need to STOP feeling so thankful for what I have that I deny myself from that, which is still to come. Prosperity is not something we should deny for ourselves, it is our right and we deserve. Note, still working on this one. So, for the moment, though in some dark recesses of my mind I still think I should JUST be thankful for what I have or have had…. that I do deserver more, and that I CAN and WILL be the ultimate success for my family and myself.

So…. back to basics and utilizing my creativitiy…. here we go. Ready for our ABCs again? That is the start of my next blog, which I am going to do right now. You know…. I actually miss doing this. You are all my new circle group. And I actually miss this more than seeing some of my old circle group. Interesting.

Have a most blessed day!

Usually, late night is the worst time for me to think. I’m turning into a bad sleeper, an affliction that has probably characterized the men in my family since the first Calvinist preachers came calling around the villages of Sweden. I usually wake up a few times between 1:00am and 5:00am, and I make use of the time pondering the stupid thing I said at work that day, or all the money I’m wasting, or how I really should not have had dessert. You know, really helpful stuff.

(Side note: The comic Jim Gaffigan has a great line about getting up in the night when you think you hear a murderer downstairs but being too lazy to do actually get up and investigate. That sums up my nocturnal angst.)

This is all a prelude to noting that I woke up the other night and had a surprisingly comfortable thought: I can’t count on any outcomes in my life, but I can count on certain people to be there with me. I was thinking of my wife in particular, but then I began to think about how lucky I am to have a bunch of other people around who will care for me just about the same no matter how things turn out. Like all late-night musings, it didn’t strike me as a very profound realization the next morning, but I drifted back to sleep content, and I woke up in a better mood.

I’m under no illusion that I’m going to get back to sleeping through the night — days that ended sometime between signing my mortgage and bringing our first child home from the hospital. Still, it’s nice to know I can still surprise myself.