Nat

Last week, I found myself sitting on the floor in front of the television until 1:00 in the morning eating ice cream out of the carton for several nights in a row. When I was at the office, I wanted to be at home, and when I was at home, I wanted to be in bed. I get this way sometimes when I’m wrestling with decisions about life priorities. Should I learn an instrument? Should I try to write a book? Should I train for a triathlon. The more options I consider, the more I fret about how little time I have, and then I spend what free time I do have wondering how I can get more.

This mood and behavior have now hit me often enough that I can observe and recognize the pattern, but I can’t always snap out of it. Fortunately, my wife–an immensely patient and highly persuasive woman–has mastered the art of helping me break the pattern. She doesn’t make light of my confusion, but she isn’t impressed by it either. What she did was to sit me down and ask what I really wanted to achieve and to help me make a plan to achieve it. She then pointed out, methodically and plainly, that I could easily fit those projects into my schedule if I chose to. She suggested I try it for a month and see how it went.

Thank heaven for her. There are many great benefits to being married to my wife. This is just one of them, but it makes me immensely grateful that she married me.

On the day after Valentine’s day, I can’t resist another post on relationships. Today while I was traveling, I spoke with a single woman who is proud of her career, loves her friends, and loves her life. Some of her friends think she would be happier if she were married. It’s what people do where she lives.

Can’t they understand, she asked, that I’m really happy with my life?

It’s a great question, and I really admire her for knowing better than anyone else what will make her happy. More and more women are finding satisfaction outside of marriage. I’m very glad that so many people are deciding for themselves what will make them feel good.

I think there are two lessons here. First, any kind of life can be rewarding. Second, only you can know what is the right kind of life for you.

Today’s USA Today has a fantastic article about a prehistoric couple whose preserved bones are trapped in an embrace.
It’s a haunting and lovely image. Thousands of years after their death, the pair of skeletons immediately conjures a picture of a couple dying in one another’s arms. It could be any of us in bed with our partners.

Valentine’s Day is a great time to take stock, and USA Today did so quite brilliantly today. In a separate article, one of their regular editors, “Cooky” Oberg, wrote about what she called “real love.” She described how much richer it is than mere romance. She profiles two couples who are caring for one another in sickness and old age. She calls them Forever Valentines.

These are the people for whom ‘I love you’ is not a fleeting infatuation but an ironclad oath and an enduring commitment.

The more we give, the more we get. Check out Katherine Hepburn’s quote about love on our web page.

I stayed in the city tonight, because snow and ice are forecast during tomorrow’s commute. My wife is doing the same thing where she works, so I ate dinner alone in a steakhouse near my office.

Sometimes I like eating by myself, and tonight was one of those times. At the booth adjoining mine, there was a couple on a date. From what I could hear of the conversation, I guess it was their first. The man, a slightly husky, almost attractive guy in his late 20s, sat facing me, so I could hear every word he spoke. His date, a blond woman with broad shoulders, had her back to me, so I could barely hear her. The date didn’t go particularly well. She declined his suggestion that they stay for dessert, and when they got up to leave, she flashed a tight smile as she faced the door. I took it to mean, “Well, good. That’s over.”

Her date talked too much, telling stories about his college life that weren’t interesting or clever, but I felt sorry for him. He seemed decent enough, not self-important or egotistical. I arrived late in their dinner, so it’s hard to know if he was talking to fill awkward silences. I assume he knew it wasn’t going any further, but I was grateful not to hear their parting comments to one another. It takes a smooth guy to extract from that situation with grace and charm. The experience made me glad (as I always am) to be happily married.

Witnessing their date did, though, get me thinking about the effort we make to be happy. Sometimes, what’s important is how we try to find happiness rather than how well we try to find it. I give credit to anyone who puts himself out there with a stranger. There’s always a risk of embarrassment or disappointment.

I’m coming to see the search for happiness as a numbers game, like door to door sales or job hunting. You really have to keep at it. Some days you’ll find it every where you turn, and some days you’ll try all the wrong things and get frustrated. But you won’t gain anything by settling into old habits that brought you just a little satisfaction in the past. In that respect, the search for happiness is an exercise. You have to keep pushing yourself to get to a higher level.

I wonder if the young man thought tonight was worth it. His date was pretty, had a nice smile, and dressed up for him. I hope he wasn’t bitter. It might have worked out great.

My sister’s birthday is this week. Her name is Hope, and I’ve always loved the name, especially since it describes her perfectly. Everything about her makes me happy: her sense of humor, her optimism, her love of life, and her devotion to family and friends. Hope married the man she met first semester of her freshman year of college. She knew from the outset that he was the perfect mate for her, that he would make her happy and share her dreams.

Consequently, they have raised wonderful children, two boys, who themselves are loving and animated. They make a great family, and I feel lucky to have them whenever I’m around them or whenever we talk on the phone.

Hope makes me laugh, even when I’m feeling grim, and I’m smart enough to know what a gift that is. Gratitude can be difficult for me when I’m feeling sorry for myself. At those times, I can’t always find in myself a quick reason to be glad. So I often call my sister, and she makes me feel good.

I’m immensely fortunate that way. My wife, stepdaughter, sister, and mother all make me appreciate who I am. I’ll mail Hope’s birthday card tomorrow and will think that she is always a gift given to me.

I just got off the phone with my childhood best friend, Ted. I suppose that term is unfair in many ways, “best friend.” But children of a certain age think about who is their best friend in the way they later think about who is their girlfriend or boyfriend.

In my case, Ted held a special position because he played an essential role in helping me learn what was important to me. When we were in 7th grade, we used to have to walk past the 9th graders to get to our first period English class. Each morning, we passed two 9th grade boys, Richard and Tom, who bullied us and whom we liked to provoke. Or rather, Ted liked to provoke them and enjoyed it more when I was there to share the beating.

One morning in particular, I remember Ted’s telling me what we were going to say to taunt them. “Do we have to do it today?” I asked. “I really don’t want the beating.” “Yes,” Ted said. “But we do it every day.” “Is it funny every day?” he asked me. “Yes,” I said. “Then we’re doing it again today.”

For Ted, the price of a good laugh could be pretty high, and he taught me to be willing to pay. I was never as funny as Ted, but I could take a beating. I’m glad I don’t get hit any more, but I miss running that gauntlet to start the day.

It was good to hear Ted’s voice. It always is.

I’m finding it hard not to be trite the last few days. Fatigue makes me timid.

So here’s the challenge: how to share enough from my experience to help others find greater happiness when there are days I am not happy. Two years ago, Michael and I started talking about how to be happier. Naturally, there are systems people hold out to you as a path to happiness. There are also activities like meditation, prayer, service to others. They bring you a sense of purpose and well being.

What we promise is honesty. We will tell you what we try and what works, and we will look for help from other sources.

Tonight I had a great time at dinner with some friends from work. It was simple fun. A little rehash of the day’s events and some story telling. I’m a fan of appreciating the good things that happen to me. Tonight it was remembering how much I enjoy the company of my coworkers.

What does this have to do with determination? Just that last night I wasn’t thinking beyond the burden of driving late night through a snow storm to get to my hotel. Tonight I was sitting with friends in a warm restaurant. I just needed to hang in there for a few hours while things took a turn for the better.

It was worth the wait.