Nat

My stepdaughter had a group of her friends over to the house today to watch movies and eat pizza. There is nothing like spending a few hours in the company of teenagers who like one another to make you feel hopeful about the future. Of course it helps if they also like adults and are polite, which her friends are.

They know how to laugh and how to be kids together. What is remarkable about them is that they don’t try to impress one another by being sophisticated, or worldly, or cynical. Teenagers like this are a reminder that adults could also choose to retain the best parts of their youth. The group likes to take pictures of one another laughing and smiling. They are easy to be with, and they are good to one another.

It is a relief when your child finds friends who are reliable, have good judgment, and know how to be good friends to one another. We would all be lucky to have such a group. The fact that many of them have been friends since kindergarten suggests that they know how lucky they are too. I’m very happy they opened up their circle to let my stepdaughter in during junior high.

Today’s Boston Globe carries an AP article about a program for inmates in Missouri prisons to cultivate vegetable gardens. The produce from these gardens is donated to food pantries for the elderly poor in the state. The activity is one of the elements of a program called “restorative justice.” Under this label, which was developed in the 1970s, prisons offer inmates the chance to study the impact of their crimes on crime victims and to find ways to make amends.

In Missouri, several participants grew up on farms, and they are now teaching skills to inner city prisoners while reviving their own interest in producing food. One of the prisoners, James Burton Jr., says of the restorative justice garden, “This is almost like being free here. I like knowing I’m giving to the elderly.” The article goes on to quote a cook at one of the food banks, who says that the produce donation has cut her food costs by a third.

I love projects like these, which encourage people to make amends by doing something good. This program is so practical in meeting two needs at once. It was very inspiring.

We had a death in the family last week, and the response from family and friends has been remarkable. People have outdone themselves to be kind and supportive. It is a marvelous human trait that so many people surprise you with their goodness in times when you need it most.

For example, we received a letter from the grown daughter of family friends. The letter writer didn’t know the deceased well at all, yet she managed to capture all of his qualities precisely and warmly. Also, I have been flooded with cards and notes from people at work whom I don’t even know well, and many have said the most naturally reassuring things. There is nothing more moving for me in this than to be floored again and again by people’s ability to find words to make you feel happy and proud. Maybe this amazes me because I always struggle to know what to say to people who have lost a loved one, and I think of myself as usually knowing what to say.

All in all, I have found throughout my life that most people will do everything in their power to do good to you if you give them half a chance. At no time in my life can I remember feeling this more strongly. It is a great gift and one that also suggests to me the presence of a comforting God, reaching out through many, many people.

I have found new things for which to be grateful every day, and they start and end with our friends’ fundamental decency and caring. I am so grateful.

I’ve written before about how much I admire my teenage stepdaughter. She does many things well because she has a fantastic work ethic, and she listens to coaches and teachers.

Tonight I attended her annual dance recital. They’re more fun than they used to be because she dances in many more numbers than the younger children do. There were six tonight, including a great big dance ensemble to the tune of “One” from A Chorus Line, and several others, mixing hip hop, tap, and modern.

Her kicks have gotten higher and better coordinated than they were last year. She’s been practicing, and her attention to sports has increased her conditioning and rhythm. She’s able to smile now when she dances, because she doesn’t have to concentrate impossibly hard on every second. It’s fun to watch her.

It really wasn’t long ago that dance recitals were entertaining primarily for costume changes and the music, but now our child is busy with the dance steps for which her group is responsible. The group focuses heavily dancing in character and in time. It came together well.

And it looks like a lot of fun.

The current issue of Sports Illustrated has a superb article on the Bluffton University baseball team, five of whose players were killed in a bus accident during their spring break trip to Florida. Bluffton is a Mennonite school in Ohio, and the article profiles the way the surviving team members, coaches, administration, and parents responded to what seems an utterly senseless tragedy.

The article identifies dozens of people, other schools, and companies that responded with generous help. A woman whose husband died in a plane crash of college athletes years ago, asked her employer, AirTran, to let her fly with the family members from Ohio to the hospital in Atlanta where the survivors were recuperating. Taylor University, which had lost athletes in a car crash the year before, sent counselors to the school to assist with grief counseling. Then they catered the cafeteria meals for the day of the school-wide memorial service so that all staff could attend. The baseball team of Bluffton’s arch-rival, Defiance College, collected money on the streets of their town to give to Bluffton. Ohio State’s baseball team donated gate receipts from their first home game. And on and on and on.

The team coach, James Grandey, said to Sports Illustrated, “Even as we were grieving we thought, Man there’s a lot of humanity in this world…I can tell ou this: for the rest of our lives, when something bad happens to someone else, we’re going to respond. How could we not, with the way we’ve been helped?”

It’s a very moving story, and one which celebrates community. First, there’s the community of the team, which banded together after the tragedy and are playing out their season. Then there’s the school supporting them, and then there’s the outside world. There are parallels to the Virginia Tech tragedy, and one of the inspiring takeaways from both is the number of people prepared to reach out and help strangers they’ve never met get through a very rough time.

Please read the story. I’m finding that Sports Illustrated is consistently one of the best sources of feature stories devoted to goodness in our society. It’s heartwarming and refreshing.

American Idol is using its tremendous popularity with television viewers to raise money for poor children in Africa and the United States. The celebrities who judge the singers on the show, along with Ryan Seacrest who hosts the program, visited desperately poor children in South Africa, Kenya, and several parts of the US, including Louisiana, Kentucky, and Los Angeles.

Then they approached corporations (News Corp, Coca-Cola, Ford, AT&T, Allstate, ConAgra Foods, myspace.com, and ExxonMobil) who agreed to sponsor the fundraising. These companies gave millions of dollars. Tonight, the show encouraged its audience to call in and raise more money.

The stories profile beautiful children, who need our help. They are hopeful and determined. Many are orphans raising themselves. Many are sad, and the celebrities who participate are stunned by the hideous circumstances in which so many children live.

So at one point tonight, Ellen DeGeneres, who co-hosted part of the show, looked into the camera and challenged her wealthy friends to donate. Then she personally pledged $100,000 on the spot, and I started to cry.

It is powerfully moving to witness such generosity. You can help make life better for a child. Please consider making a donation here. (Or do it anywhere else–UNICEF, Save the Children, or your own church, synagogue, or mosque.)

Please give. It will make you feel good, and it will help a child live and dream.

This May is my 20th college reunion, and I’ve decided to go. It will be the first of our reunions that I have attended. At the time I was in college, there were a handful of people with whom I didn’t feel I had anything in common. I haven’t always wanted to go back to see them.

I’m older now, and frankly the prospect of spening two days with the people I really liked holds far more sway for me than avoiding the small number I wouldn’t want to see. It’s two days, so I expect to have way more time than people to fill it, but I’m always surprised how easy it is to keep up with people you used to know.

You have enough common reference points to jump right in and share profound ideas or stupid jokes. “Back in the day, we…” You might say when starting the conversation with an old friend who thinks you are funny.

My roommates Art and Katherine will be at the reunion. That would be enough of a draw. Besides, it’s not as if I will sneak out early. I’ll stay out some. Some.

That’s what I need to cut back on: trying too hard to figure it out.

My friend Gilda and I were just discussing the inspiring example that many members of the Virginia Tech community have set during and after the horrible shooting there this week.

First, there were the many victims who did everything they could think of to save others from the gunman, from Ryan Clark, to Prof. Librescu, and the many others who appear to have done the same. They went looking for ways to save others.

Their remarkable bravery and selflessness are matched by the grace of many in the VT community who have said in interviews that they intend to work hard at befriending anyone who seems isolated and left out in the hopes that they can build their connection to the community and defuse any anger that they may have.

I am even encouraged by the way the media turned eventually from relentless inquiry into the shooter’s background to research and publish the marvelous details of the rich lives the victims led, so that all of us who grieve for them also carry a sense of what made them special.

It makes me hope that we are turning a corner in this country, that we are prepared to proclaim the rich humanity and achievement of seemingly ordinary people. It would be a great tribute to the victims and their families for us to commit ourselves to seek out and recognize the good people and good deeds we witness each day. We will bring great hope to the world that we are all much more than the worst things that happen to us.

God bless the Hokies.

Tonight at my stepdaughter’s school, the jazz bands and chorus from the junior and senior high schools performed for 90 minutes. My stepdaughter is in eighth grade and plays flute in the junior high jazz band. The concert was beautiful and amazing.

Their school system is small, a regional school shared by three small towns in eastern Massachusetts, none of the towns bigger than 6,000 people. The high school has fewer than 500 students. And yet the music groups are outstanding year after year. This year, the eastern Massachusetts regional jazz band draws 25% of its players from our little school.

There are many reasons: chief among them the dedication from kindergarten all the way through senior year of immensely dedicated music teachers and conductors. They have all been teaching in the system for more than 15 years. All take groups to state competitions each year and take home medals. It’s very impressive.

But the best part by far is how much joy the students take in how well they play. They criticize themselves brutally and don’t like to play badly. They practice hard. Most of all, they listen to one another. This is incredibly rare. I can’t tell you how many professional meetings I attend where many people talk, but few listen to the otheres in the room.

My stepdaughter played a flute solo tonight on a Nora Jones song. My wife and I stole a look at one another as we always do when our child surprises us. It was beautiful, and I am a harsh critic.

The high school band played a Miles Davis number called Black and Green. It was moody and gentle and groovy. The kids in one group stood in the back of the room and applauded and hollered for each song by another group. The whole evening made me want to cry for joy. We are very fortunate.

This is two topics, but I can’t decide between them, and I need to write about them both. The negative one first.

The last three days, I’ve crammed in an insane amount of activity. All of it was things I wanted to do, for myself, my family, my friends. Last night, the result was that I stayed up until 2 on a work night. Tomorrow I have training at 6:30, which means leaving the house at 5:30, so I’ll be tired again.

This is the only part of my adult life I find really demoralizing again and again: I would like not to feel so frantic about all that I have to do. I would like to do fewer things and get to bed earlier.

Still, they were all great things. I watched my stepdaughter and her band win a medal. I am commenting on a friend’s manuscript. I’m commenting on another friend’s blog. For my writer friends I would take on any small thing. They are busy, and they are determined, and I love what they are writing. Admiration has always motivated me. It is a great thrill to be in the company of other writers.

Now for the positive part of the post–gift giving. By coincidence, my wife didn’t have cases today. So she was able to go to the grocery store after dropping off my stepdaughter at school and buy a huge sheet cake to celebrate their band victory yesterday.

My wife took the cake to the school and left it for the band director, Mr. Farmer. Because he had given the band the day off from rehearsal, they all had time to eat the cake and drink some sparkling cider. Apparently they got a big kick out of the cake. My wife is a master gift giver. She always knows when and what to give. It makes all of us feel special. Her knowledge of what we want and need makes us feel studied and appreciated by her.

I love her for it, and I love the gifts she picks out. Tomorrow I’ll write about the quilt she gave me.