Nat

My stepdaughter is starting a training regimen for high school field hockey. It’s 4 months away from tryouts, and the training schedule is designed to begin 3 months from now. We’re getting a jump on it so that she can make slow, gentle progress and not be anxious this summer.

When I was her age, I never got an early jump on things, so it thrills me to see that she sees the advantage of preparation at age 13. I think every time she does something ahead of time that she is developing a habit that will relieve her of all kinds of stress for years to come, and it makes me happy.

If there’s anything I love, it’s seeing people avoid mistakes I made when I was younger. And it’s especially sweet when it’s a person I really adore. It’s hard for me to say why I so resisted advance planning for much of my life, and I guess it doesn’t really matter as long as I continue to improve. With Nina, the key is that she really enjoys the feeling she gets from relaxing after completing a task.

When we arrived at our hotel for the first day of vacation, the first thing Nina suggested we do was her workout for that day. She wanted to get it out of the way and enjoy the rest of the day.

So there’s the lesson: when you learn to earn your rewards up front, the rewards are sweeter. None of us needs to be told to do this. It’s just a question of doing it several times and learning to like the feeling of well being and satisfaction it brings. It’s a humbling lesson to learn from your 13 year-old.

Judith Warner has been blogging for the New York Times [The link may only work for subscribers to NYTimes Select]. Her most recent post addresses the subject of competitive college admissions, which the Times has been covering brilliantly this spring. Admissions at elite US colleges has never been more difficult, so many outstanding young people are facing rejection.

Warner observes that this may be an invaluable lesson to learn at a young age:

Many, I think, never figure out how to handle the emptiness that comes when the rush of achievement fades away, or the loneliness — the sense of invisibility — when no one is there to hand out yet another “A.” The fact is: when you are narrowly programmed to achieve, you are like a windup toy with only one movement in its repertoire. You’re fine when you’re wound up; but wind you down, and you grind to a halt.

I agree that the pursuit of high achievement can turn out to be a false God, leaving us dissatisfied and confused that each subsequent achievement seems less meaningful than we had hoped. I must admit that I write this from the perspective of one whose achievements haven’t lived up to my expectations. There may be people who are exhilarated by their achievement.

I suspect, though, that the vast majority feel let down at least some of the time. Later in this blog post, Warner quotes from an article on admissions posted on Harvard College’s Admissions web site. In it, the authors, who include Harvard’s dean of admissions, write: “[T]he only road to real success is to become more fully oneself.”

This strikes me as a healthy way to construe success. For starters, it is attainable by all of us. It’s also more difficult than you might imagine.

I’m still working at it, but I liked being reminded how important a goal it is.

Friends of mine who are writers will launch a blog in the next week. More on that when it happens. What it has me thinking tonight is how much I appreciate knowing people who have set goals and accomplished them.

It turns out for many of us that getting it right in life is more difficult than we expect it to be. Maybe this is the way it should be. Still, it’s a shock to find that the dreams we cherish most sometimes elude us.

I’m not saying that is unfair, just that it is disappointing and sad. I deal with this by looking to those who achieve their dreams, and the larger the better. I am convinced that this is the root of “American Idol”’s success. So when my friends launch their blog, which reveals them to be the kind of creative, interesting people they always hoped to be, I will be cheering them loudly, and hoping to be like them.

It was a really good day today. My stepdaughter’s junior high school concert band won a gold medal in a statewide band competition. They played three pieces, all of them quite difficult, and when they were done, one of the judges took them into a practice room and gave a critique.

In the past two years, these judges’ crititiques have been quite harsh. This year, the judge was incredibly gentle and supportive, even when pointing out passages they could have played more skillfully.

When the announcer proclaimed them gold medal winners, all 62 kids jumped into the air, screaming with delight. It was thrilling to see how happy they and their conductor were.

Which got me thinking about how all of us create opportunities to accomplish something worthwhile. I feel this most strongly when I write and when I play sports. Yet I’m very hard on myself if I do either of those things poorly.

My stepdaughter and her band friends don’t worry much about that. They try as hard as they can, and for the rest they have a good time. It’s why they’re here. I’m trying to learn from them.

I had another air travel mis-adventure with my boss yesterday. It started with a weird canceled flight, halfway through a one-stop journey. Then, there was a rush to fly standby, with no tickets because of a computer difficulty. When we had to leave security in DC to get to our transfer gate after arriving from Charlotte, we couldn’t get to our departure gate (no tickets, right?). Sorted that out, missed the plane anyway by two minutes. 3 hour layover. Home 5 hours late.

But here’s the thing. We went to fill the 3 hours in Reagan National by having dinner at Legal Seafoods. When dinner came, they had scrambled my order and forgotten my appetizer. In stunning contrast to the harried and largely ineffective service from the airline, the restaurant manager at Legal Seafoods immediately came to the table and comped the entire meal, for both of us! The revised order was perfect, and I left the restaurant feeling better about the chain than I ever did after a great meal there. I left a generous tip and felt great about the entire experience.

The lesson for me is that one person who sees a problem and jumps in to fix it means more to me than 10 people who don’t. I want us all to be that one person, starting with me. It’s not that hard.

This week I received several compliments at the office, including one from my boss’s boss. I’m fortunate that my boss is often complimentary, in fact, she goes out of her way to make me feel appreciated.

I should be beyond compliments by now, should be capable of judging my own efforts and achievement. Still, a sincere compliment is a gift. It makes you feel noticed and appreciated, and these states of mind help you perform with joy and purpose.

Naturally, if this is how compliments make you feel, think how easy it is to pay some yourself and to pass that feeling along to others whom you admire. My sister and I had a babysitter when we were young, Mary Allen. Mary loved to say, “You’re so smart.” That was her highest praise.

Try that tomorrow. Tell someone they’re smart. Watch them smile.

Flo has a great post on “before and after” today. Like her, I love the whole concept of before and after.

I had a before and after experience today, and it reminded me of a simple lesson I enjoy learning over and over. I had a day without meetings. As crazy as that sounds, it’s tremendously rare for me. So I stayed in my office working all day long. I love my office. It’s the perfect size, like a really big library study carrel. There’s a nice L-shaped desk with a computer in the corner, and there’s a little table where I can sit and read if I need a break from the computer.

I’ve had a simple writing assignment hanging over me for weeks, so I put on my iPod and pounded it out. It took several hours, but I was pleased with the outcome, and I got to cross it off my list.

So, before and after. This morning the assignment was on my to do list for the 63rd day in a row. This afternoon, it was crossed off.

In the car on the way home, I felt peaceful and ecstatic, all at once. It really made me happy.

What’s your before and after?