Flo

I prefer not to watch the news and normally I don’t.  Tonight I learn that Pakistan is in a state of emergency, that a group of girls at Oprah’s school in South Africa were sexually assaulted.  I get overwhelmed by the barrage of news.  So, I avoid it.  The issue with that, to me is my naiveness about world issues, because I can’t find a forum to do so that includes positives and negatives.

Not feeling so well, I’ve hibernated at home today with work being done on my computer and my phones.  I open a new catalog which starts “NAMASTE’, In peace and respect…” and those few words quiet the ragged edges of my mind.  Who ever thought a catalog could start with such calmness?

I have a to-do list that could be addressed – things like “study Spanish” or “balance checkbooks” dominate that list and carry a fairly limited amount of excitement.  My enthusiasm is missing.  Instead, I sit on the sofa, surrounded by my mail and three bassets.

Monday morning I awoke with harried negative self-talk going in cirlces in my head.  There was no sense of calmness anywhere in my body or brain.  Mornings like that rarely happen but when they do, they’re paralyzing.  It’s as if the needle of the record player got stuck on a scratch on the album (I grew up when vinyl was “in”).  The negative thoughts got to the point of boiling over. I was too distracted to figure out how to get out of it.  My saving grace that morning was a phone call.  One phone conversation and the hovering grey cloud was gone, as if it had never been there. 

I wanted to make a list of ways to get out of such a space.  I knew it could help me in the future when I was too preoccupied to come up with options.  Anyone out there might want to add their suggestions as well – what distracts one person from negative thoughts might not work for another.

Here’s the beginning of the list:

1.  Talk to a friend

2. Read

3. Meditate

4. Go for a run

5. Journal

6. Wallow with the bassets

7. Sing along with a John Denver song (after all, you know all the words).

8. Dance to “Footloose”

keep the list going.

Morning tea – the sun eeks its way up and I see the side of the barn brightening with its rays. (I will not declare or analyze what day it is).  The sun is now hitting the neighbor’s pear tree, whose leaves have turned a golden rust color.  I love fall and all its colors, the way this season leads us to winter.  I also feel a sense of unease as I watch the summer flower blossoms bend over, freeze and shrivel when the frosts begin.  Last year, unable to watch, I pulled several summer planters inside for the winter – the house looked like a poorly kept arboretum.

Makena creeps around the deck, checking in around the door, ensuring I’ll let her in if she is too cold and she wanders away again.  I watered the planters on the deck this morning. Their leaves are no longer upright and green and I try desperately to breathe life back into them again.  I want to see the deep purple petunia blossoms, the pink and striped geraniums, the purple fountain grasses that waves in the very slightest of breezes. 

It’s Sunday (I am noticing I frequently start my blog writings stating the day of the week.  Hmmm, lets analyze that…).  It’s Sunday morning and although there is always a “to do” list, nothing is so pressing I can’t sit and relax, drink my tea, read last month’s “Real Simple” cover to cover (which I never get to do) and write.  It’s a luxury in my life to just sit and read.  It has been since before college (a LONG time ago) that I can remember whiling away any time at all reading.  As easily distracted and distractible as I am, one stray thought and I pop up from my reading spot to do some random thing.  In the summer, it’s mowing (such a heavy, weekend, time-intensive chore) or gardening and prior to this summer, there was always a feeling of “overwhelmed”, that I never settled down enough to focus on what I was doing, because there were so many other things that “needed” to be done.  To a large degree, the things that “need” to be done are all made up in my head.  Occasionally, outside forces impact this (you know, like the IRS, work or socially related deadlines), but really, most deadlines are self created and self imposed.

Today I want to read about carving jack o’lanterns and organizing my clutter.  I want to find out how to cook the perfect roast, learn to store my shoes and what are the nine stand out coat styles.  I want to remind myself why this time is important, that the quiet is restoring, that the things around me that cause distraction are just things; they don’t really need addressing at this very instant and self soothing cups of tea and a magazine are good for my soul.

Namaste’

It’s Tuesday morning and I am working on cup of tea #2.  The sun is barely peeking up, so the sky is a grey-ish color.  It’s light enough out to be able to see how the leaves have drastically changed color in the last week and are more on the ground than in the trees.

The garden is harvested.  The last part, garlic and potatoes, sitting in a box in the kitchen.  The pumpkins left from the pumpkin party are in the yard, scattered like litter.  They are white, yellow and orange and stacking them together might be a good idea.  Minus their treasures, the pumpkin vines are wilting and it looks like last night might have been our first frost.  The tomato plants continue to give red*yellow*orange tomatoes, however I wander off and quit looking for them.  Isn’t that funny?  At some point, the garden loses its appeal and I’m ready for it to be done, while plans for next year’s garden evolve in my brain.  Looking ahead, I’m missing out on the fact that I can still eat the tomatoes now.  That’s not too unusual and I doubt I’m the only person who misses out on what is right in front of me because I’m looking ahead, past fall (golden, red, brilliant leaves), past winter (hibernation, snow shoes, skiing) to spring when the earth is renewed. 

Excuse me for leaving.  I need to go look for tomatoes to eat with my morning cups of tea.

There are days I’d rather be somewhere else than where I am.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m fully aware I’ve chosen to be here and could choose to be elsewhere, just as well.  Today it’s a sense of overwhelmedness that hit me and makes me want to escape.

Where would I rather be?  Kailua sounds rather nice right this moment.  It’s 4:30 there, a good time to jump in the green kayak and paddle out to Flat Island where the kayak is banked on a little sandbar and most of this tiny island is a sanctuary for Shearwater birds. http://www.pbase.com/afrogie/image/84317480  As you walk around the island (at a slow pace it takes 15 minutes), you might notice eggs laying on the ground cover and shrubbery or see birds dive bombing and disappearing into holes in the rocks.  Depending on the tide, you may be able to dig in the little sand pit or watch the waves crash into the natural arch – a small arch, quite excellent for those younger that 5 or adults who want to sit and watch.  Through the arch, when the waves receed you could glimpse a surfer or longboarder, enjoying the waves created off this small islan,. while the sun feels warm on your back.

Yes, sometimes I go there in my mind.

The sun sneaks around this morning, rays landing on only a section of the tree leaves and of lawn as it comes through the clouds.  It disappears and it looks like we got lots of rain last night.

The rain smells like it cleans the earth – waters the flowers and the vegetable garden, that is giving an overabundance of vegetables at the moment.  In my mind, I see myself walking the neighborhood this weekend, trying to pawn off, blatantly hand out the vegetables to strangers so they don’t go to waste.  I could set up a card table and cardboard sign at the end of the driveway, like an old fashioned lemonade stand.  I’m a sucker for lemonade stands – giving my money away for a watered-down version of something that tastes faintly of lemon and sugar, mostly of just water.  I support the concepts of children earning and managing money; of having something to drink when I walked the gardens of Fort Collins earlier this summer.  It’s a throw-back to the 60s and 70s and reminds me of old Kool-aid commercials.  I was the kid who mailed in kool-aid packages for my free backpack and canteen!

Someone I knew died in Iraq this week. He was only 20 years old. I’m overwhelmed with thoughts of how little of life he had seen, the pain and anguish of his family and friends. 

Alun Howells was doing something he felt was important.  Whether or not I agree with the President and the choices being made in and about this war, Alun was one of thousands of people currently serving the US  in Iraq.  I hate the war, what is represents and all things associated with it.  However, I support the troops and the human beings inside the uniforms.  

Peace to the family of Alun Howells.

My writing.  It has slowed down to the rate of a pesky drip from the bathroom faucet.  The idea of writing rolls around in my head.  Even daily.  Sometimes I use my journal, filling it with pages and pages that really aren’t worth typing here.  Occasionally, I wander back to the Blog.  I will improve soon.  I promise.

“I will improve soon.”  ”I should be writing.”  “Do one thing at a time.”  “Just stop, Flo.”  “Go back to what you were doing.” “Good job.”  Self talk.  It’s a constant in my head. I do recognize what I say and I do recognize when it borders on something so negative that I cringe and my toes curl (I did not include those words!)

Changing self talk takes practice.  It requires the ability to hear what you say to yourself, recognize when it’s harmful and determine what you can say instead.  It’s like becoming your own personal cheerleader.  Try the process.  Listen to yourself.  When you say mean or hurtful things, just stop.  Look at what can you say instead.  It’s amazing to see how kind we can be to others but when we’re dealing with ourselves, we somehow struggle and find it impossible to notice any good at all.  

We all have many more positives than negatives inside us. 

Namaste’

There are memories I have of specific situations, moments that occurred in my life and it’s as if they’re seared on my brain with a branding iron.  These are not pleasant memories and they are more jarring to me due to the emotional distress they caused in-the-moment, and the message that lingered.  The reality is, I learned alot about myself during those moments – taught by teachers who had no idea that “teaching” was their role in my life.

In “Eat pray love”, Elizabeth Gilbert is told that she doesn’t understand the definition of “soul mate”:

“…People think a soul mate is your perfect fit and that’s what everyone wants.  But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.  A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.  But to live with a soul mate forever?  Nah.  Too painful.  Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave….”

We all need people in our lives who love us enough to be direct, honest and lay it all out there.  Not so we’re stripped down to nothing, but stated in a way that we have the opportunity to see what we might need to change.