Flo

Sometimes I find that I am unable to let go of things in my mind.  It’s as if I have some tendency toward obsessing.  In order to resolve that, today I took the time to write a letter to the President.  Don’t get your hopes up.  It’s not particularly appropriate and won’t be printed here.  You see, my nephew has now gone to Iraq and ranting at the President felt like a good thing to do.  It allowed me to express the emotions that I was holding inside, and then move on.

This is a technique I’ve used for years in journaling class and one-on-one with clients - “the unsent letter”.  I’m not sure where I first heard of it (surely a book) and it is highly promoted online .  The idea is to write a letter expressing everything you need to say, knowing you will never send the letter.  There may be many reasons you won’t send the letter, i.e. the content is too hurtful or too painful; the recipient is unreachable (for instance, deceased).  You get the idea. 

Give it a try and then gently, move on.

 Namaste’

“Kenny’s platoon is in lockdown” – when she says that I think “oh, it’s like jail, somebody did something wrong”.  What I say is “what does that mean”? “It means they leave in about 7 days”.  The phone is silent then tears and sniffles. What this means is my nephew leaves for Iraq soon.  I’m teary as I write. It feels there is no way to voice the barrage of thoughts I have related to this. I want to rant at the President, scream at him and resort to name calling. It would all be ineffective but the feelings would stop setting up house in my heart.

It seems there is no point in feeling all this, but it is there, camped out and may very well remain there until Kenny returns. Should be 6 months and I wonder if that’s true. My sister says he’s not nervous, that the other members of his platoon tried to reassure her; that she met other guys who had just returned and they were okay following their 6 month tours. “Tour” – as if it’s a joy ride where they join up with others, ride the bus to see war torn cities and buy souvenirs?

Part of the response is the dead Barner men. None of the men on my father’s side of the family are alive. 10 years ago Dad and Marty died; there is no way my sister is willing to sacrifice her oldest son for anything at all, let alone an inane, insane war. I call her back later, trying to ask what she needs in support. She doesn’t know. I’ll be there to visit in a few weeks, that will help.  At least that’s what I tell myself. 

Monday morning I awoke with harried negative self-talk going in cirlces in my head.  There was no sense of calmness anywhere in my body or brain.  Mornings like that rarely happen but when they do, they’re paralyzing.  It’s as if the needle of the record player got stuck on a scratch on the album (I grew up when vinyl was “in”).  The negative thoughts got to the point of boiling over. I was too distracted to figure out how to get out of it.  My saving grace that morning was a phone call.  One phone conversation and the hovering grey cloud was gone, as if it had never been there. 

I wanted to make a list of ways to get out of such a space.  I knew it could help me in the future when I was too preoccupied to come up with options.  Anyone out there might want to add their suggestions as well - what distracts one person from negative thoughts might not work for another.

Here’s the beginning of the list:

1.  Talk to a friend

2. Read

3. Meditate

4. Go for a run

5. Journal

6. Wallow with the bassets

7. Sing along with a John Denver song (after all, you know all the words).

8. Dance to “Footloose”

keep the list going.

Someone I knew died in Iraq this week. He was only 20 years old. I’m overwhelmed with thoughts of how little of life he had seen, the pain and anguish of his family and friends. 

Alun Howells was doing something he felt was important.  Whether or not I agree with the President and the choices being made in and about this war, Alun was one of thousands of people currently serving the US  in Iraq.  I hate the war, what is represents and all things associated with it.  However, I support the troops and the human beings inside the uniforms.  

Peace to the family of Alun Howells.

There are memories I have of specific situations, moments that occurred in my life and it’s as if they’re seared on my brain with a branding iron.  These are not pleasant memories and they are more jarring to me due to the emotional distress they caused in-the-moment, and the message that lingered.  The reality is, I learned alot about myself during those moments - taught by teachers who had no idea that “teaching” was their role in my life.

In “Eat pray love”, Elizabeth Gilbert is told that she doesn’t understand the definition of “soul mate”:

“…People think a soul mate is your perfect fit and that’s what everyone wants.  But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.  A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.  But to live with a soul mate forever?  Nah.  Too painful.  Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave….”

We all need people in our lives who love us enough to be direct, honest and lay it all out there.  Not so we’re stripped down to nothing, but stated in a way that we have the opportunity to see what we might need to change.

“Just write”.  Sounds like instructions I’ve received from Natalie Goldberg at workshops I’ve attended in Taos, New Mexico.

There are times I sit down to write and my mind goes in 90 directions.  It’s actually like what my mind does when I sit down to meditate.

First, I take a deep breath.  I notice my breathing.  I notice the sound and feeling of the air from the ceiling fan.  I notice my breathing.  I notice the sound of the attic fan.  I notice my breathing.  Then, I notice thoughts.  I think about emails to write, emails written, thoughts of clients and my husband, conversations held over the last few days.  I notice thoughts of paperwork that needs faxed, reports that need written and some things that need filed.  At some point and before my meditation time is up, I eventually notice my breathing again.

When writing, particularly blogging, it’s a little more effective to others not to wander in my thoughts.  Today I meditated before I wrote.  That seems to help me stay a little more focused.

Namaste’

My list of “shoulds” got longer today.  I’ll bet most of us have one, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.  While being sick today, the “should” list got suspended - added to, yet suspended.  Shoved over to the side “Until Further Notice”.

I cough - sneeze - blow my nose - sneeze some more and over eat. I lose sight of what’s valuable besides a softer tissue.  That, and protecting my nose from chapping.  It gets to the point I’m no longer aware or caring of how my coughing and sneezing bothers my spouse.  I am beyond that.  So, I’m aware the “should” list exists - it’s just not a priority. Not as much as a soft, cushy, under the covers place for me to fall into to sleep.

Lately, I’ve noticed people saying to me “go ahead, you seem to be in a hurry” or yesterday, a classic “you’re driving me crazy”.  The thing is, these things are said to me by total strangers. 

Yesterday, I laughed with the woman at the grocery store.  In the beverage aisle, I could not locate the type of pop I was sent to the store for.  I kept walking back and forth down the aisle, over and over, behind this woman’s grocery cart.  She laughed and I laughed when she commented and I made a half-hearted apology as I left the aisle.

There is no doubt that I am purposeful as I do most things.  However, I find that being labeled “in a hurry” has a negative connotation to me.  I am focused, and if I really think about it, I appear to rush from thing-to-thing.  I think I may be missing out on opportunities for laughter-giggles-smiles by my focused approach.

That’s what I want more of - more laughing - endless giggles - smiles all day long.  It sounds like it’s time to remember my “there is enough time in the day to get everything done” mantra and breathe more slowly.

I could be sharing SARK treasures in some sort of organized manner.  Alas (I’ve ALWAYS loved the drama in that word - I imagine standing with the back of my left hand held to my forehead and my head thrown back like a 1920 drama queen…) Alas, I want to share them rather randomly instead.

SARK writes an entire, colorful theme about our relationship with money (did you ever think of how you interact with money as being a “relationship”? That is an interesting topic to write about.)

How to relax about money.

relax. Your money is not your life!  it just seems that way sometimes. True wealth is inside of you. learn to cultivate money miracles. Go back to money innocence.  Be who you truly are and the money will follow. You are safe.  if you find yourself worrying about money, why were you lost in the first place? read “Money and How it Gets that way” by Henry Miller.  Make friends with money.  Money is like love - the more you give away, the more comes back. Watch the movie “it’s a wonderful life.” When any money flows in for you, it’s time to help others.  Help them now. Money was invented to be shared. Start a revolution: refuse to believe in recessions.  We need to rewrite recession to read: Money recess.  remember recess?  You got to go outside, kick a Ball, and feel free from school.  We all need to feel free about Money!  Take a Deep Breath. What you are worth is not about Money. relax. You are safe

                             - SARK, Inspiration Sandwich

Take a deep breath. What you are worth is not about money.

In her book “Prosperity Pie”, SARK quotes her friend Zoe age 5 “Oh Susan, why don’t you just BE how you ACTUALLY are?” SARK continues with ”I thought about how often I’m NOT how I actually am, or more important WHO I actually am…I’m often pretending, hiding, in disguise or wearing a mask of some kind.”

Isn’t this true of all of us at one time or another and maybe at more times than we’d like? Saturday night I watched a little boy who gleefully yelled out “I want a present!” during an awards ceremony (with gift wrapped awards).  I laughed at his unabashed enthusiasm and his ability to state what he was honestly feeling - in the moment.  He did not care what anyone felt or thought and he wanted us to know what he wanted.

We go along in life, trying to building strong, self-fulfilling relationships - ones that are empowering, increase our self confidence and make us feel great about ourselves.  I’m not sure we can do that without revealing our honest selves.  It seems like we have to figure out who we our, to ourselves, before we can share it with any one else.

So, I’m challenging me to reveal a little more about who I am to someone I trust in my life.   I encourage you do to the same.

Namaste’

Flo