Flo

Today I am reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat Pray Love” and I’ve decided she is a woman after my own heart.  Not only does she describe herself as eating her way through Italy (similar to my recent experience in Seattle, Washington) but she talks about her meditation struggles in a manner I understand and are quite descriptive of how my mind operates.

“Like most humanoids, I am burdened with what the Buddhists call  the “monkey mind” – the thoughts that swing from limb to limb, stopping only to scratch themselves, spit and howl.  From the distant past to the unknowable future, my mind swings wildly through time, touching on dozens of ideas a minute, unharnessed and undisciplined.  This in itself is not necessarily a problem; the problem is the emotional attachment that goes along with the thinking.  Happy thoughts make me happy, but – whoop! – how quickly I swing again into obsessive worry, blowing the mood; and then it’s the remembrance of an angry moment and I start to get hot and pissed off all over again;  and then my mind decides it might be a good time to start feeling sorry for itself, and loneliness follows promptly.  You are, after all, what you think.  Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.”

If you get a chance to read this book, I’d recommend it. 

Yesterday I was quoting SARK’s “States of Being”.  This focus on self-talk seems important, so I want to continue with SARK’s suggestions about how she has learned to accept parts of herself that she doesn’t necessarily “love” with her “new view” of situations.

Repeating addictive behaviors: Support is essential (find someone/group for support)

Overwhelm, anxiety:  If your inner nurturing parent is engaged and active, it is much less posssible to feel overwhelmed or anxious.  Also, if you can identify when you are feeling anxious or overwhelmed, and give it room to exist, it will dissolve and transform.

Controlling/perfectionist:  There is no control and perfection is arrogant.  Practrice messiness, letting go, and doing things badly.

Fear: Identify a fear and work with it objectively.  Recognize the contraction of fear and experiment with expansion of an opposite state.  Example:  Loss vs. plenty

                 – SARK, Prosperity Pie

Practice positive self talk – it’s an essential part of self-love.

This morning I was noticing my self-talk.  At the moment I noticed it, it was “if you put things away, you’ll find them faster.”  Although that could have been stated negatively, surprisingly, in that moment is was stated as more of an observation.  An awareness of fact.  I can’t say my self-talk is always so kind.

It’s not that I’m punitive when I talk to myself (sometimes, and only when I’m alone, it is even aloud!) but I don’t always have loving kindness, compassion or empathy for me.  If I can do that toward others, I know I can do it for me.  So, why don’t I?

In “Prosperity Pie” SARK has an entire section she titles “States of Being”.  She says:

“I am still surprised when I keep discovering how little I actually accept myself.  As soon as I feel certainty in one kind or level of self-acceptance, it seems that another appears.  This is closely related to lack of self-love, with a twist: I think we are being asked to accept things we don’t necessarily love.  This is a rich ongoing area of inquiry for me and many others.”

She continues by giving suggestions on how we can change this.

Not accepting one-self: Accept everything, judge nothing.

Habitual negative thought: You can gently practice new self-talk and experiment with a different focus.

Addicted to struggle, suffering, drama: If you can identify what need your compulsive behavior is meeting, you can choose to do it differently.

Rehearsing, predicting, futurizing:  Meditation is perhaps the best antidote for any of the above.

Compulsive/obsessive thought, worrying: Worry is not preparation (attributed to Cheri Huber).  Objective thinking is very stabilizing.

The list is long.  I’ll continue with the rest tomorrow.  In the meantime, try to hear what you’re saying to yourself.

Namaste’

Flo

It’s Saturday morning and I am “all over the map”.  Five windows are open in Internet Explorer and six in Outlook.  I have started letters to friends, searched the internet for information on an accident, looked at my blog, written in my journal, written an email, started an email to a friend, started an email to another friend, washed and sorted laundry and had two large cups of tea.  I wish I could honestly say that this state of mind is due to the amount of caffeine in the two-large-cups-of-tea.  Although they definitely contributed, they are not to blame.  It is the nature of my brain when running amuck.

While trying to ensure the correct spelling of “amuck“, I found an alternative spelling A-M-O-K and that the definition includes “to rush about in a murderous frenzy”. Hmmm – no murderous frenzy in my brain, just a “jumbled or confused state” as well as “an uncontrolled state or a state of extreme activity”.  I can accept the jumbled and extreme activity parts of these descriptions.

It seems that when my brain does not have to focus on a particular client, task or activity, it has a life of its own and I am following it around saying “oh, what’s that?” or “Let’s do this” and the brain just keeps a-runnin’.  It is controllable and I can rein it in at any time; there are just times I feel like letting it run its course, ambling, jumping and leaping around until the most important thing is landed on and one task can be completed.

Maybe it’s just Saturday.

This morning, reading the Gunnison Country Times, I noticed their special ‘Homes’ edition included a remodeled home across the street from a close friend of mine.

I have only seen this home on the outside and the article includes several “before” and “after” photographs of the interior.  It made me start thinking about all the “befores” and “afters” in my life.

It has always been my preference to look at the “before” and “after” pictures in fashion magazines.  The photos, reflecting makeup, hair, clothing and sometimes even surgical improvements, look fabulous.  As a consumer, I am left wondering how I can achieve such success. More importantly, I was thinking about the “before” and “after” for my insides, my emotional and mental self.  My initial thought was “if right now is ‘before’, when is ‘after’?”

Rob Brezny’s Free Will Astrology, printed in the Fort Collins Weekly, typically has something interesting to consider about the Gemini part of me.  Today it’s long: 

“Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can accomplish,” prayed Michelangelo. He exulted in the feeling of having too much to express. He thrived on the stimulus of his delicious frustration, and used the inspiring sting of his nagging inadequacy as a fuel for his boundless creativity. Are you willing to experiment with this approach, Gemini? Do you have the nerve to love what’s imperfect about your life? Are you brave enough to laugh at the probability that your yearning will never be completely fulfilled?”

Love what is imperfect about my life?

That’s a tough one for me.  The inner critic starts squawking.  It has a Loud Voice.  Annoying Voice.  Things like “What are you doing?”   “Now, that’s effective.”  Little reminders that I still cannot get it right.  Little slams and digs that magnify my insecurities enough that I’m irritable and grumble them aloud, under my breath.  Where did those affirmations go?

Laughing at myself is something I need to do more of.  I’ll create a new “to do” list: 

Take things slightly less seriously

Accept that I’ll always carry some imperfections (it makes me human!)

Laugh more often.

Consider this: Do you have the nerve to love what’s imperfect about your life?

I have some funny personality traits (please don’t ask my spouse, family or friends to detail them, I’m afraid they’d be all to willing to “share”). One of these traits is my belief that everything has a good use and most things can be reused, recycled and/or creatively remade.  For instance, I was overjoyed when Gallegos Sanitation started recycling cardboard and now every piece of cardboard, toilet paper roll and paper towel roll end up in my overflowing recycle basket.

This belief of all things having a valid purpose, whether reconditioned or rebuilt, rolls over into my beliefs about people.  It feels like we are all constantly in the motion of change.  Whether slow as a snail or faster than a speeding bullet, we are being remodeled, refurbished and refined.  That one is my favorite – refined.  Today I am refining many parts of myself, looking at my goals of honesty and opening my heart and I believe that even on our very worst days, our redeemable characteristics shine.

Namaste’

Lately, I find myself resisting my meditation practice.  My resistance shows itself in many forms. (1) I don’t even think of meditating.  (2) I decide it’s “too late” to meditate since it didn’t happen when I first woke up. (3) I say “I’ll do it later”, but don’t schedule a time so it doesn’t ever happen.  All of these create another set of issues of negative self talk, related to “practice what you preach” and “walk the talk”.  Some days it feels like the best I can do is talk of my meditation practice, for in that talk I find myself drawn back to the reason I do it to begin with.  It reminds me of why it’s valuable to me and why I need to begin again.

 Flo

Following my declaration about honesty last week, I stopped blogging. No words would come out of my head. I lost my voice.

The question is “What is inhibiting me?” That’s what this is about. Suddenly there were mountains in front of me I couldn’t leap over (all made up in my head, of course). I felt rather vulnerable with lots of negative self talk – “who wants to read what you have to say” and “why are you doing this anyway?” It’s not so funny that all of this occurred following a conversation with a good friend about why I was blogging in the first place. I had explained that to me this is part of a bigger picture, part of my contribution to the world. I said I like being a part of a group “dedicated to helping people find more happiness”; it’s what I do in my daily-life-work and this broadens the opportunity to continue doing the same.

On Friday, when I explained to the same friend that I hadn’t written since our earlier talk and why, he asked what I was going to do about it. My response was “do it anyway” – keep barreling through the tunnel because that’s the only way to get through it. My feelings will eventually catch up and the negative self talk is quieting. I am still writing, just lagging a bit behind.

Flo

Terri Jentz, in her book “Strange Piece of Paradise” (an exceptionally well written book regarding a crime against her in 1977) – ends the acknowledgments portion of her book with a quote from late author and activist Paul Monette.  He told Jentz that each day “he would ask himself to write more honestly than he had the day before.”

I was struck strongly by this statement, this goal he set for himself and want to do the same for myself, for my writing and just how I live life. I think there is always more room for honesty in the world.

Namaste’

Flo