Flo

It’s Saturday morning and I am “all over the map”.  Five windows are open in Internet Explorer and six in Outlook.  I have started letters to friends, searched the internet for information on an accident, looked at my blog, written in my journal, written an email, started an email to a friend, started an email to another friend, washed and sorted laundry and had two large cups of tea.  I wish I could honestly say that this state of mind is due to the amount of caffeine in the two-large-cups-of-tea.  Although they definitely contributed, they are not to blame.  It is the nature of my brain when running amuck.

While trying to ensure the correct spelling of “amuck“, I found an alternative spelling A-M-O-K and that the definition includes “to rush about in a murderous frenzy”. Hmmm – no murderous frenzy in my brain, just a “jumbled or confused state” as well as “an uncontrolled state or a state of extreme activity”.  I can accept the jumbled and extreme activity parts of these descriptions.

It seems that when my brain does not have to focus on a particular client, task or activity, it has a life of its own and I am following it around saying “oh, what’s that?” or “Let’s do this” and the brain just keeps a-runnin’.  It is controllable and I can rein it in at any time; there are just times I feel like letting it run its course, ambling, jumping and leaping around until the most important thing is landed on and one task can be completed.

Maybe it’s just Saturday.

Last night I watched portions of the premiere of “The Great American Dream vote”.  I was humored by what constituted the “great American dream” to the people on the show.  These 8 or so contestants were willing to stand in front of a studio audience and be televised across the U.S., stating their “great American dream” was a full head of hair, a daughter being in the Miss America or Miss Rodeo America pageants, creating America’s first ornamental chicken ranch, creating a basset hound retirement community and lastly, wanting one of the songs written for his wife, sung by a famous singer (a shoe-in for host, Donny Osmond).

While I have to say I do not like these types of shows and typically never watch them, I got roped in by the lack of Boston Legal and a preview that showed the basset hounds.

The thing that struck me is the variety of things people find important.  Important enough to state aloud.  Important enough to declare it would increase their happiness.  The participants did not choose gigantic, insurmountable dreams like world peace or solving world hunger.  They chose things that are important to them and things that would “make them happy.”

My vote goes to the basset retirement community (that AND world peace).

Namaste’,

Flo

Sometimes our gifts come from the strangest places. Yesterday, it was my turn to clean the refrigerator.  Not a job I particularly relish but one that is always necessary.  My intention for increased awareness, which I felt the need to discuss last week, was very present.

We have lived in this house for more than two years and the refrigerator has been with us the entire time.  Periodically, one or both of us stand in front of it, peering into and around the shelves looking for the long lost jar of huckleberry jelly or cashew butter which we simply can not find.  Yesterday while cleaning, I realized the shelves on the refrigerator pull out so all the contents can be easily seen.  This was not the first time in two years the refrigerator has been cleaned.  It was, however, the first time I had noticed this great feature and can’t help but wonder, what else is right in front of me that I don’t see?

My wish for you today is that you will see that something you need or want is right under your nose.

This morning, I got up on the wrong side of the bed.

That is something my father and my grandfather used to say as we’d plod into the kitchen for breafast with our hair tossled and faces creased from the pillow. “You got up on the wrong side of the bed, didn’cha?”  What they were talking about was how grumpy, how cranky we were early in the morning.

I woke up thinking about the things I did wrong yesterday, the things where I’d like to yell out “Do overs” and get a chance to re-do the situation and act, at least slightly, different.  On most days, I’m much more gentle with myself than this morning.

The thing is, these thoughts and messages aren’t intended to be negative self talk.  Their intention is to push me to do better next time, be more sensitive to others and be more aware of myself.

So, I’ll move through today, leaving “cranky” at home, hopefully crumbled in the driveway and look for opportunities to be more aware.

What would you like to be more aware of today?

This morning, reading the Gunnison Country Times, I noticed their special ‘Homes’ edition included a remodeled home across the street from a close friend of mine.

I have only seen this home on the outside and the article includes several “before” and “after” photographs of the interior.  It made me start thinking about all the “befores” and “afters” in my life.

It has always been my preference to look at the “before” and “after” pictures in fashion magazines.  The photos, reflecting makeup, hair, clothing and sometimes even surgical improvements, look fabulous.  As a consumer, I am left wondering how I can achieve such success. More importantly, I was thinking about the “before” and “after” for my insides, my emotional and mental self.  My initial thought was “if right now is ‘before’, when is ‘after’?”

Both Nat and Michael have written about the need to rest and relax.  Whether out of the country or at home, they both express how difficult this task is for them, even when sick.

I have a low ability to rest, focus on self care and just relax.  Being self employed, I tend to work any and all hours of the day or night, justifying it because I’m “self employed”.  I leave messages for people in the early morning or late night hours.  With my laptop on the kitchen bar, I assume yoga poses while typing treatment plans and intake summaries. Sometimes, in order to remind myself, I create a list of behaviors and actions that indicate self care, a reminder to me about what I need to do to unwind and take a deep breath.

Today, for self care, I will take a yoga class.  What will you do?

Rob Brezny’s Free Will Astrology, printed in the Fort Collins Weekly, typically has something interesting to consider about the Gemini part of me.  Today it’s long: 

“Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can accomplish,” prayed Michelangelo. He exulted in the feeling of having too much to express. He thrived on the stimulus of his delicious frustration, and used the inspiring sting of his nagging inadequacy as a fuel for his boundless creativity. Are you willing to experiment with this approach, Gemini? Do you have the nerve to love what’s imperfect about your life? Are you brave enough to laugh at the probability that your yearning will never be completely fulfilled?”

Love what is imperfect about my life?

That’s a tough one for me.  The inner critic starts squawking.  It has a Loud Voice.  Annoying Voice.  Things like “What are you doing?”   “Now, that’s effective.”  Little reminders that I still cannot get it right.  Little slams and digs that magnify my insecurities enough that I’m irritable and grumble them aloud, under my breath.  Where did those affirmations go?

Laughing at myself is something I need to do more of.  I’ll create a new “to do” list: 

Take things slightly less seriously

Accept that I’ll always carry some imperfections (it makes me human!)

Laugh more often.

Consider this: Do you have the nerve to love what’s imperfect about your life?

“Caring for one another, we sometimes glimpse an essential quality of our being.  We are reminded of who we really are and what we have to offer one another.”Ram Dass

On Tuesday, I was given this quote by a woman who read about my desire to be more open hearted.  In her description of this quote, I believe she declared it to be her personal mission statement (that’s my description of it).  

Try reading the quote aloud.

What I like about the quote is that it so eloquently states that what we have to offer one another is on the inside of us.  It is not about a level of education or training.  It is not about social status, wealth or poverty.  What it is about is caring, which comes from the heart.

I have some funny personality traits (please don’t ask my spouse, family or friends to detail them, I’m afraid they’d be all to willing to “share”). One of these traits is my belief that everything has a good use and most things can be reused, recycled and/or creatively remade.  For instance, I was overjoyed when Gallegos Sanitation started recycling cardboard and now every piece of cardboard, toilet paper roll and paper towel roll end up in my overflowing recycle basket.

This belief of all things having a valid purpose, whether reconditioned or rebuilt, rolls over into my beliefs about people.  It feels like we are all constantly in the motion of change.  Whether slow as a snail or faster than a speeding bullet, we are being remodeled, refurbished and refined.  That one is my favorite – refined.  Today I am refining many parts of myself, looking at my goals of honesty and opening my heart and I believe that even on our very worst days, our redeemable characteristics shine.

Namaste’

I am a big sister.  As the oldest of four children, today I found myself falling into my “big sister ” role, in my head.  While not meditating, I decided to go for a run – another way I deal with my angst or stress or whatever you’d label the pile-up that happens in my brain.

In my head, I started playing out a conversation with my mother, one that hasn’t happened.  In it, I calmly tell her what needs to be said to stick up for both my sisters.  I keep running.  left right left right.  I’m thinking this is a good idea, I’ll call mom as soon as I get home.  left right left right.  Well, really, it isn’t my job to have this conversation.  left right left right.  If my sisters have an issue, I guess they need to tell mom.  left right left right.  I’m doing them such a disservice by talking for them.  I keep running and find I’ve talked myself out of a conversation in an appropriate way and I could discern I was very much being the Big Sister.  All in my head.  It’s not what is necessary, however it was so natural. Instinctual.  Had I gone ahead and taken action on my thoughts, the issue would not have gotten better.  They’ll all figure it out.