Flo

There are many things I should be doing today.  What am I doing instead?  Writing.  My other options sound rather dull to me.  Here’s the list:  Shovel snow from storm #2 (it kept me home today, but I don’t really feel the need to shovel it); write reports (can’t those be done later?); enter banking in the computer (this list is really starting to be a drag); and paint my office (it’s too cluttered for that right now).

I am full of excuses.  I probably always am. Let’s reframe that – I am full of reasons.   I probably always am.  Given the to-do list, which exceeds the above list by countless tasks, I have many reasons I’d rather write, rather rest, rather do any number of things than my list. Today, I’m doing the fun thing first, then I’ll tackle a task.  It’s like a game I play – two drudgery tasks then a fun thing or 4 hours of work, then a cross country ski.

Today, Rob Brezsny (Free Will Astrology) http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/gemini.html  gives two tips for all the Gemini’s in the world in order to be inundated with love in 2007 (1) Make yourself supremely lovable; (2) increase your capacity to give love.  I think #2 is right on the money. It could probably apply to everyone, not just the Gemini’s out there.

Today while reading Rebecca’s blog http://cloud9000.typepad.com/rebekita/atom.xml, I was thinking about how easy it is for the holidays to drag us down, instead of doing what we would expect, which is uplift us.

Right now DIA is snowed in.  Who knows how many people are standing, sitting, sleeping along the walls, floors and drapped over chairs in the main concourse of that huge airport. My guess is this is quite a drag for many people and this is just one example of how the holidays get us down.  We have expectations and when they are not met, even due to unforseen circumstances, we can respond by getting distressed and upset.

Family is another challenging part of the holidays.  We see relatives we haven’t seen in a long time.  Maybe see some relatives we don’t really want to see.  We drink too much, eat too much and all this stimulation can make us, our kids and other family members feel worse, not better.

I ask you all to be gentle with yourselves.  Follow Rebecca’s suggestion and recite the serenity prayer.  Find a quiet corner (or the toilet!) and take a few deep, cleansing breaths before you turn around and have to talk to your mother-in-law or least favorite uncle.  If the inside air feels stagnant (or you do) take a step outside and breathe for a minute or two. Don’t forget that this season can also be about self-care and relaxation.  Instead of just planting yourself in front of a football game, you might try taking your brother or father (or both) for a walk around the neighborhood (maybe before the game!)  A little fresh air is good for the heart and the soul.

Have you ever “practiced” a resignation letter?  It can be fun to do so because when practicing you can say every little, minute thing that you can never really say.  Things like: “Hasta’ lavista”,  “I’m outta’ here” and “adios amigos” (I’m sure there are other choice words out there that could be added to the list!)

In the last week, I have “practiced” my resignation letter many times and having verbalized it on Friday, I will be submitting it officially on Monday.  There is an endless amount of relief as well as other emotions that follow this letter.  My goal is to increase my happiness.  That may sound trite, but working 60 hours in a week doesn’t give me alot of time to do “fun” things that add to me being a well-rounded being.  I have been happy working two jobs; I believe in being happier. 

Last summer, while reading the Fort Collins Weekly, I was introduced to a poet, Gloria g. Murray.  I googled her name, emailed her and purchased four of her self-published books of poetry.  She has a wonderful ability to transform daily life into poetry.  This poem is what I’m sharing today:

FIVE AM ANXIETY

at five am
to ease my anxiety
I make tea
sit in the velour recliner
turn on cable TV
catch the weather
the ads for flat abs
and wrinkle free skin
at seventy
and the evangelists
who offer us Jesus
before we’ve even had
breakfast

then scribble out
a poem
on the back
of a grocery list
try to remember
my dream
for my next therapy
appointment

and by now
the sun and the world
are up
the world
I grab on to
like a train I almost miss
until a caring commuter
sees me waving
frantically
and holds open
the door because
dammit
I still need
to get
on

–Gloria g. Murray

Happy weekend, Flo

This weekend, I thought often about the concept of disillusionment. Some aspects of how I allow this to be a part of my life and how much I allowed it in the past.

It has been two years since I moved from the small Colorado town of Gunnison to the town of Fort Collins.  I’m surprised and saddened by the friendships that are not as close as they used to be.  That’s a small part of the disillusionment I’m processing.  My own lack of reality, thinking that somehow these relationships could stay as close, warm and caring as they came to be after 20 years living in that small community.

There is something about the holidays. I think about friends I no longer see on a daily basis, about how much I miss their presence and how challenging it is to integrate this sense of loss into my life, without responding to it by being sad, mopey, whatever.    I find grief to be a frustrating and necessary path that I stumble along.  It reminds me of how much I value relationships in my life.