Flo

Isn’t it Paul Harvey who, on his radio shows, gives a brief blurb, and then, following a commercial break, continues with “the rest of the story”?

Yesterday, I expressed my frustration in my blog and within 5 minutes of hitting the “save” button on my computer screen, the phone rang.  The appliance repair person was just “leaving Cheyenne and should be there within an hour”.  Three hours later, I was on my bike, riding along the Poudre River.  That’s all it took.  A simple declaration and the universe took care of it.  That’s my opinion anyway.

I carry, in my mind, a mantra about time - one I started saying soon after I started reading “Ask and it is Given”.  What I say to myself is “I have enough time in my day” or a version of this “I have enough time to do all I need to do in my day”.  I find that, truly, there is enough time in my day to accomplish the daily “list” of things I need to accomplish.  The technique Michael suggests http://cloud9000.typepad.com/michael/2006/11/not_enough_time.html is an excellent and interesting way to manage our to-do lists, as well.

I’ve read and read again, Michael’s blog on time http://cloud9000.typepad.com/michael/2006/11/not_enough_time.html. Today I am struck by his question ” Do you feel pulled in a 100 different directions?”  because today, I feel stuck. Stuck because of waiting on a repair person to arrive and perform annual maintenance on my refrigerator and dishwasher and I’m back in that highly irritated state I was in earlier in the week.

It’s an illusion.  You see, I know this issue with time and feeling confined is all made up in my head. So I have this thought, develop this immense emotion tied to the thought of confinement and then start doing things to help resolve the emotion.  I do things like, call the company (three times).  I verify that I am required to have annual maintenance performed or my warranty will not be valid.  I get disconnected on the call where I’m asking if I have to be at home, in order to have the work done.  My third call, I find out the repair person is on his 4th call out of 9.  That doesn’t help me much.  I leave my phone number, asking for a return call with a little more specific time frame. 

I pace like a caged animal.  The truth is, I can’t tell you there is anywhere I HAVE to go.  I am defrosting the freezer and can not leave right now anyway.  I could go on a bike ride.  I could go on a hike.  I could go work out.  Yes, I feel so stuck.  Eventually, I’ll get out of the head space.  I’ll walk in the neighborhood, or meditate or continue the freezer defrosting.  It’s not that big of a deal, yet my response sure doesn’t say that. 

Things I am thankful for, today’s top 10 (and not necessarily in priority order):

1. Good friends (spouse included here)

2. Basset Babies

3. new adventures

4. days off work

5. raspberry colored sunrises

6. family members

7. mint scented shower gel

8. cat creatures

9. moments of silence

10. morning cup of tea

and what are you thankful for?

Flo

Lately, I have been noticing how easily I am annoyed and irritated.  It has been a prevalent thought since the meditation retreat. This is probably not the best theme for a blog about happiness, but it’s honest.

I often talk to people about how as humans we can feel two (or more) emotions at the same time, but wonder about these. Happiness AND annoyance?  Happiness AND irritation?  As I write, I justify my thoughts with the concept of “an overall air of happiness with moments of annoyance and/or irritation.”  No, I don’t think that’s it and I wonder what is really going on.

Irritation and annoyance enters the picture when someone interferes with MY plans.  You know, like the neighbor who rings the doorbell and I am (1) annoyed the doorbell rang, which means my “please knock” sign disappeared , and I am (2) not feeling like talking to anyone and there is someone at my door.  Thankfully, my spouse answers the door and the only thing the neighbor wants is to use the hose to water her horses in our pasture.  It’s not an annoying request.  Yet, I was annoyed. I was irritated. Was I doing something so important that couldn’t be interrupted?  No.  Did I answer the door myself. No. My mind ran in circles, restating #1 and #2 above and I even accused my spouse of taking off my small sign.  I’m not proud of any of this and wouldn’t be writing about it, except the response is a little typical right now.

For the moment, I continue to observe it.  I try not to judge myself too harshly.  I try to look for the origin of the issue, but the water is dark, dark blue and it’s a deep pool that I can’t see the bottom of right now.  I stand on the side of the pool and look in.

I am a beginning meditation student.  In my mind, I will always be a beginning meditation student.  Having toyed with the idea of meditation for more than five years, actually since my first Natalie Goldberg writing workshop http://www.mabeldodgeluhan.com/workshops.html, I find incorporating meditation into my daily life sometimes challenging.

Last month, as I sat at Shambhala Mountain Center at the Shambhala Training Level I: The Art of Being Human meditation retreat, I listened to various questions posed by the 60+ participants.  One question asked was “why should we meditate”?  Deborah Bright, who provided the talks for the weekend, answered “to get our mind and body in the same place, at the same time”. 

I was and am fascinated by the simplicity of the answer.  Yet, it is one of the most difficult things for me to do, to get my brain and body to be in the same place at the same time.  During the weekend retreat, the thing I noticed was a shift. My monkey mind moving from past/future thoughts to being in the moment, in the room we meditated in.  I went from thinking about conversations at home before I left and what I’ll do when I get home to( finally) noticing the sounds in the room, the temperature in the room and occasionally, just occasionally, my breathing. That was my progress for the weekend.  It hasn’t happened again since I got home.  My mind is everywhere and my meditation time flies by and I find I’ve figured out how to cover my sofas, organize the bathroom, where to move the pictures and what to donate to ARC.  Every now and then, I remember the breathing part.

I think that’s why it’s called a meditation practice.  Each day, I “practice” getting my brain and body to join forces, in the same place, at the same time, for even just one moment.

Tonight, I’m obsessing about “the things I hang onto.”  Unfortunately, it’s not the positive things that roll around in my head and I wonder about all of us.  How much do our negative thoughts impact our happiness?

The answer to that question is obvious. It is difficult to think about what level of happiness we feel when we are faced with challenge after challenge (after challenge) and we just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I’m not sure where I’m going with this except to say that it’s so important to acknowledge the emotions you do feel, even the painful ones.  None of us are pain free.  It’s the holding, the avoiding acknowledging our feelings that creates so much pain, confusion and despair.  We’re often taught to “suck it up”, “hold it in, don’t express it”, and “only baby’s cry”.  I guess those are ways of coping with emotions, I just don’t feel they are the best or most compassionate ways to treat ourselves.

So, would you act different, be different if you were looking at how to compassionately treat yourself?  It puts an entirely different twist on how I treat me.  I think it’s easy to get caught up in treating others with compassion and somehow forget about ourselves in the picture.  The truth is, if we start inside first, it’s a whole lot easier to be kind, caring and compassionate to others.